shabby wit: baby wipes altered my sex life…

 

 

Let me Romare Bearden (paint) the picture for you.

Me and my girl.  My crib.  Mid-day.  Feelin sexy.  Crunched for time.  In the mood. Impromptu love…

So we launch into a savage and frenzied game of touch and touch.  Hot and bothered.  We humid.  Fubus, Lugz, Joe Boxers, Forever 21’s are torn asunder and hurled about.  Moist flesh.  Pheromones.  The air is ablaze.  2 minutes and 20 seconds have elapsed.  Time for the jump off.  And then…  I push PAUSE.  Bring it all to a screeching halt.  Why?  Man, it just so happens that on this very day – at this particular moment in time – I have funky-nuts and/or a lil’ booty-juice.  Yep. I needed to hop my tart ass into the shower.  Don’t trip fellas.  You know it happens every now and then.  Even to the most fastidious of us.  And if you’ve ever been in this unfortunate situation, you know that this stop-in-action is an immediate mood kill.  It’s an error.  A fumble.  A tricked lay-up.    We’ll, I’m here to tell you that it doesn’t always have to go down like this…

My name is Kdizo.  You can call me dizo.  Baby wipes changed my sex life.  For the better.  In those ever so crucial categories of quickies/nooners,  baby wipes uped my stats.  They helped me to become more consistent.  Fewer tricked lay-ups.  I bet they can do the same for you.  Now I understand, that given the above scenario, some of you more uncivilized studs might try to maintain forward progress and push through.  Hey, I’m not here to judge.  I’m no expert.  Do what you gotta do to be you.  But man, let me tell you, it is hard to recover after you’ve left a bad taste in someones mouth.  So I humbly suggest that you play it safe.  Get some baby wipes.  And the next time you and yo shawty line up for a quickie, and you feelin a little tart.  Don’t fret.  Calmly run into the bathroom.  Go up under the sink.  Pull out 4-5 baby wipes and – wipe.  Get on the sides and up under the nuts-sack.  Don’t forget the taint and yo funky ass. After that, take the remaining clean wipe and dust off the shaft.  It’s that simple.  30-45 secs and you’re good to go.

Yours Truly;

Coach K(dizo).

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Shabby Wit #2: Urinals…the long & short of it

 

Fellas!  You know how in public restrooms there is always one urinal that hangs lower than the others?  Ever wonder why that is?  Well, contrary to what you might think, its not for junior.  Nope.  Its actually for dudes with really long penises.  I’m sure most of you had no idea.

“up”

Kd

Shabby Wit: Setting and Managing Expectations

One of the few things that I learned from my senior level positions in corporate America is how to effectively set and manage expectations.  This knowledge has helped me achieve good success in my business life.  Now I’m taking what I’ve learned from the corporate world and applying it to my personal life.  For example; Ladies, if you wanna kick with me, let’s say you decide we should go out to eat.  I want to be upfront – clear and concise about what you are in for – about what my expectations are.  Consider the scale below.  On the left is the amount of money that I spend on dinner.  On the right, you’ll find what I expect in return for my expenditure.  This scale is applicable to our first 3-5 dates/outings.

 $20-$30 = hug and peck on the cheek

$30-$40= long embrace (45-60 sec.) and kiss with tongue

$40-$50= all of the above + I get to grip that ass (15-20 sec.)

Red Zone

$50-$60= bump & grind

$60-$70= fellatio

$70 and up= we fuckin’. right after dinner…

 

kd

Random Joints #1: kidz and fast-food joints

My 1st post comes in the form of a tempered rant.  To all my parents out there with shorties under the age of 7: When you go to a Potbelly’s or Subway (or any fast-food joint), please don’t let your child/toddler tell the “sandwich artist” what ingredients/condiments to put on the sandwich. You know damn well shorty can’t handle that pressure yet.  More oft than not, kids in this situation just freeze up, or at best, they hold up the line while goin’ back and forth with moms/pops about what’s what on the condiment/ingredient menu.  That shit ain’t cute.  Look, I’ve got shorties.  I know what parents are trying to do here, but this is not the best occasion to teach your child how to be a big-boy or big-girl.  Do that on your own damn time.  Not in line at a FAST-food joint.

Later;

K